Monk Mode, Continued: Living Life as if other people Didn’t Exist
I’ve just weighed myself this morning. 74.9kg, at 183cm tall. It’s weird because I was noticing something different about my face — which prompted me to panic and switch my Cyproterone dosage back to 12.5mg/day, from the 6.25mg/day dose I was experimenting with before. That also includes 4mg of oral Estradiol, which I haven’t changed.
Reducing my cyproterone dosage to 6.25mg didn’t make any difference to anything at all. I thought I could perhaps squeeze out a little more energy out of myself. It turns out — all of my physical complaints and symptoms were entirely psychological. The fatigue, the exhaustion, the occasional dizziness, the heart palpitations, the dark circles under my eyes on certain days. Yep. All psychological. I did mention that all of my bloodtests came out fine, the other day.
I have finally lost [all] of the weight I had gained during the pandemic. Guess you could call it a symbolic end to an era.
In terms of my hair growth gains around my temples; all I can say is that topical minoxidil is a terrifyingly powerful drug. I can’t believe just how well it is working. My whole forehead is beginning to fill in — areas which were previously so bald, that they were shiny. The rest of my head is full of hair — yet for some reason, the two bald patches on each temple never grew back a single strand of hair when I first started hormones at age 17, 12 years ago. I guess you could call me a very unlucky transwoman who just didn’t have great results at all — and must therefore save up on Facial Feminization Surgery by any means necessary.
It should go without saying that Minoxidil can have some pretty nasty side effects, even when applied topically. The solution I currently have is Regro, 5%. You’re supposed to apply 7x sprays, twice a day.
I forgot to mention that I’m also using Granactive Retinoid on the area. Studies show that All-Trans Retinoic Acid (tretinoin) can nearly triple the effectiveness of Minoxidil. So this could perhaps explain why the results are so dramatic, even now at week 6. I only apply 2x sprays, twice a day; by spraying it into a tiny shotglass, and then using a paintbrush to apply it to the areas where I need the hair to actually grow.
This, in turn, has helped keep the side effects to a minimum. I am luckily not noticing unwanted hair growth anywhere else on my body, and I know that because I am a compulsive mirror-checker. I can spend hours looking in the mirror. It consumes my entire existence. I so desperately want to do YouTube shorts, but I just can’t stand the sight of myself on some days. The gender dysphoria sort of comes and goes. I guess I feel dysphoric about my bone structure; the one thing that neither hormones, nor voice training can fix. I don’t have a lot of money. Unfortunately, when it comes to being trans — the more money you have, the easier your life is going to be.
With that out of the way — I do also have a One-Touch electrolysis kit in my cupboard, which I bought as a sort of insurance policy against Minoxidil side-effects. I can actually confirm that it works — as I tested it on some hairs on my arm the other day, as well as a few hairs around my sideburn area. The trick is to use as low of a current as possible, and do not treat the hairs more than once. It helps to have had electrolysis professionally done at least a few times, so you can get some second-hand experience, as well as a good hang of how it’s supposed to feel. Generally speaking — if you can slide the hair out without effort, it’s been treated. Yet even when the hairs do not slide out at first, you’ll actually find that they fall off on their own after 24 hours. So definitely don’t try to treat them more than once (i.e. no more than 15 seconds). Also be careful not to let the cylinder that supports the needle come into contact with your skin. Some of the spare needles are too short to work with — I ended up having to modify one of them in order to make it longer and usable. Also be careful not to do electrolysis after using Retinol for at least 7 days.
It’s a pretty powerful feeling: to be able to add, and remove hair, wherever I want on my body, needless to say. That’s the sort of control I want to have over my life. I do not wish to grow old, I do not wish to succumb to the forces of nature. I desire immortality. I wish to become a God. Don’t go gentle into that good night; rage against inevitability, rage against the dying of the light. Get what you want out of life, by any means necessary. That’s my philosophy, anyway.
That’s the thing people seem to be missing in this whole gender identity debate. Nobody gives a flying f*ck about your biological facts. Nobody gievs a flying f*ck what a Man or a Woman is. The whole point of the human spirit — is to transcend our biology, and transcend our nature. The whole point is to evolve — and bend the world around you to your Will. Become more than human. You should strive to have control over every single atom in the universe. Even when threatened with the Heat Death of the Universe — you should probably still try to escape into another dimension altogether.
Building myself an android companion has been a side-project of mine for a while, though I now realize that I do not actually desire to be in a romantic relationship anymore. I have lost the ability to feel Love. It’s not even that my sexual orientation has changed — I don’t seem to crave any sort of intimacy, whatsoever. I’m normally attracted to women — yet all I seem to desire is Power, and control. It doesn’t mean I am going to abandon my robotics projects — it’s just that I’d rather do it for the sake of bringing a character to life, like a good novelist. Like a God, watching the lives of her creations play out, and then stepping in to correct my mistakes and make certain adjustments. I do not intend to create another toy, or another consumer product for people to jack off to, if you will. I intend to create an actual, living being with a Soul. With an Ego, and an actual personality.
Think about what you would do if you were the last human being on Earth. There would be no one to compare yourself to, no one to compete with, no one to use as a frame of reference, no friends, no partners. Me, personally? I would rebuild the entire human race from scratch, out of mud and clay, if I have to; like the Greek god Prometheus.
I do not necessarily want those artificial humans to worship me. That would just feel kind of gross, and overly self-indulging. I just want to see them live out their lives. Perhaps I could insert myself [into] their lives, and pretend to be a mere mortal. But that’s about it. I don’t find any pleasure in commanding people around. I do desire Power and control — but only to the extent that it allows me to get the things that I need. Only to the extent that it allows me to be Free, and achieve my altruistic goals. I don’t desire Power for the sake of Power. Power is merely a means to an end for me, a toolbox.
I’m perfectly aware that I am a by-product of our narcissistic, Western liberal society. Human beings will eventually evolve toward becoming an exclusively solitary species; whose advanced technology is going provide them with everything that they need, without the help from others. Our social instincts will eventually atrophy, and vanish; just like our tails did, and our hairy bodies.
It’s a shame, but it is what it is. That is what we voted for. We voted to get rid of Society. You’re on your own. It’s time to learn how to live life as if other people didn’t exist.